Celebrations and Struggles

I'm sitting outside the library in my car at 10:30 at night waiting on some photos to load onto my online site which has so far taken an hour. I can only check facebook, myspace and emails so many time before the boredom sets in. So I decided to blog.. its been awhile.

This has been a crazy few months with curses and blessings and a new realization of my faith. First, the curses. I'll make it short. Brian and I always said that if he was gonna go back to claims it would be if a hurricane hit Houston. Well hey, a hurricane did hit Houston! It's name was IKE. So we agreed to take the gamble. He quit his sales job which provided a steady income and went to work at Farmers. The last time he did this he was in for 11 months with Katrina and Rita. Little did we know that after 2 months they were letting all the IA's go. Thank God we didn't blow our money and we made it through four more months while Brian searched desperately for another job.

Four months later, still searching, he takes a job as a independent for a small insurance company handling local claims. His search never ended because while we are happy he has a job, he only gets paid when the insurance companies pay. Never consistent and sometime never enough for us to get by till he gets paid again. He's still searching to make up for the income in which we are lacking.

I have Jakob and that is a big blessing, but what is to follow was mixed with heartbreak and much stress. Two days after I get home from the hospital and Jakob is in Nicu, the heavy reality of our situation hits. We are barely able to cover our measly mortgage payment.. then the months that follow, its seems our hole just keeps getting deeper. While Brian is still searching for something else, my business is effected by the economy. Not only am I out of work in April cause of having the baby, which is my busiest month in spring, but I am increasing noticing that people are holding on to their money more. Instead of my average order of $150 to $200 It is now $35 here or $50 there and orders being placed months after the photo shoot. I'm still getting plenty of work and actually started booking two weeks after having Jakob, but I'm not seeing the money like 2008.

It is now July. My mother has had to step in and pay our mortgage this month. Our internet has been cut off because we couldn't pay our bill which is why I'm sitting at the library. We are leaning mostly on what money I earn in photography, with both of us desperately searching for more. Never in our almost 15 years of marraige has life been so tough.

New realizations of my Faith - Those of you that know me also know that I am not one to hold any of my feelings back and I am pretty much an open book. My hope is that what I have to say may shed insite or hope to anyone going through what we are. Three years ago, I had an amazing amount of faith in the Lord. I looked forward to church and working with our Alpha group. We were faithful tithers and even gave more generously in times when others needed help. God was priority in our lives. We put him first in everything we did. Brian got the job as an IA and worked in claims for 11months. We considered that a blessing never making that kind of money before. Life was great!

When claims were done we were able to look back and see all our credit cards paid and other things that hung over our head taken care of. It was like a big load was taken off our shoulders. Brian started looking for a job not knowing when he would be back in the office doing claims again. Three months past. It was getting late in the day and I had no money for food. Nothing. Out of desperation I pulled out a credit card that had been paid off and used it to buy food. I was angry. Why hadn't God provided. Why was it taking Brian so long to find a job. Why hadn' t there been any extra opportunities to make money that week. Why in the world would God allow this. He doesn't want us using credit cards. We have been tithing faithfully for years, isn't he suppose to provide?

A year later, we are in deeper debt with our credit cards then we have ever been. We owe the IRS a ton, and are barely making ends meet. I am still confused and my faith has faltered. We no longer are going to church.

To present, never before have I realized just how angry I was at God. Never before have I realized just how little faith I have. The hole keeps getting deeper and my faith is finally being tested to its limit, what little faith I have left. But at this point what do we have left but to have hope in the Lord. I have gone a couple years with out even praying, but lately I have prayed so much more.

One day as I was listing some things on Craigs list, I had a AH HA moment. I am a spoiled BRAT! Brian and I didn't do everything we could of done, we didn't cut down where we should of, we didn't sell things that we didn't need. There is a lesson to be learned. At the point that we are at in our lives now we have no choice to be creative. We don't have the credit cards or loans to take out. We have already exhausted all of our resources. My faith is now building. I feel like we are starting to climb out of this very deep whole.

Two weeks ago Brian got paid, we were hoping this next check was going to be bigger. His last one was a whole $115.00. He shows me this next check for $208.00. $208.00 !!!!!!! This is suppose to pay our mortgage and help provide food and gas for the next two weeks. Brian had been working his tail end off and that is what he got. That's the way the insurance claims business is, but we can't live like this. I lose it! I mean I feel like I have gone over the deep end. Just when my faith was building I feel like I have to start over again. I find my self yelling at GOD, laughing at the whole idea of faith. I'm laughing in my hysterics..laughing! Brian, being the good husband that he is, is trying so hard to help me make some kind of sense of this all, but having no luck.

The morning comes and its a new day. The next day comes and my anger towards God starts to dwindle and I'm picking my self up again. I humble myself to him and basically turn it over to him completely. I am exhausted. Hands in the air. I give up!

I'm sitting here blogging and I'm thinking about this week. God has provided. Although we don't have the money yet to pay mom back for our mortgage, he has provided us money for food so far. I have gotten orders, and more orders, and I am almost over booked this week with sittings. I spend last week and this week watching a friends kids which helped with more money. Apparently I had not surrendered all. There are lessons in everything and in these trying times its such a load off when you can turn all your stresses and sorrows over to the Lord and say "God, I am going to do everything in my power to get out of this, but I can't do this alone. I need you. I need your help. I surrender all!"

Three years ago, I never would of thought to turn my back on the Lord. Looking back at that defining moment when I had to use that credit card I realize I didn't wait long enough on the Lord. I didn't wait for him to act. He would have provided. We would of been forced like we are now to do everything we know to do. We didn't then. One Friday we had nothing! Nothing for food. Before the weekend was over we ended up with $250.. garage sales and selling what we didn't need.

I don't know yet if this hole we are in is gonna get any deeper, but we are doing all that we can to climb out of it. Brian is still searching. I am still searching but thank God, things are really started to pick up with business. My faith is building and I'm seeing God work in our lives everyday.

Blessings - First, I don't think I need to mention, but I will, our little almost 3 month old blessing at home. He is our little miracle baby. We are blessed with so many wonderful friends and family who prayed for us when we were in the hospital. Friends have also come along and helped and been there for us as we go through these tight times. We are so thankful for them. Family, has helped us a ton. We absolutely do not like to be on the receiving end of gifts, but have had to these last few months. Its very humbling, but we are extremely thankful. I am blessed to have the husband that I do. Financial strain can often be the ruin of marraiges, but for us it makes us stronger. Jackson and Josey are amazing and keep us smiling. Jackson has been keenly aware of all that is going on. I am so blessed to have a son with compassion and understanding. We may not have a lot of money right now, but we are rich in friends and family and for this I can give much thanks to GOD!