Obsessive/Compulsive

Oh my Gosh!!! I so have this!! Do we all have a mild form of it or should I really be concerned?

I was initially going to do my blog on Addiction, but at the last moment thought, I needed to look in to OCD instead. Upon further reading, my conclusions about certain concerns of mine have all been figured out. I have this disorder. Does it run my life? Yes, as much as I cringe to think that it would, it does.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
What is obsessive-compulsive disorder or OCD?People with obsessive-compulsive disorder have either obsessions, or compulsions, or both. The obsessions and/or compulsions are great enough to cause significant distress in their employment, schoolwork, or personal and social relationships.What characteristics are associated with OCD?Obsessions:People with obsessions are bothered by thoughts or images that continue to repeat themselves and are almost impossible to ignore. These thoughts, which are annoying, distracting, and inappropriate, tend to cause the person to have moderate to severe anxiety and other emotional discomfort. Common obsessive thoughts include themes of violence, fear of germs and/or infection, and doubts about one’s character and/or behavior. People who suffer from OCD worry excessively and often attempt to avoid or to get rid of the bothersome thoughts by trying to replace them with more pleasant thoughts or actions. Compulsions:Compulsions are behaviors. These specific behaviors are in direct response to the person's troublesome, obsessive thinking. Therefore, people engage in the compulsive behaviors in order to reduce their obsessive thoughts. Some of the most prevalent compulsions are:
Repeated checking of doors, locks, electrical appliances, or light switches
Frequent cleaning of hands or clothes
Strict attempts to keep various, personal items in careful order
Mental activities that are repetitious, such as counting or praying.

Here are some addictions, mild yes, but consuming to say the least. I have a routine with the internet. I check all my emails, but not just once or twice through out the day, but several times, obsessively several times a day. Even when I know that there will be nothing in the inbox, I punch in the html anyway. It's not just my email. I have to get the mail from the post office everyday and if I don't there lies a bit of anxiety. Seriously, like it is going anywhere. Here are some other little compulsive silly behaviors that I have. I am not a neat freak. I gave up on that years ago after having tons of kids in my house. But before I had a ton of kids in my house I didn't have a mail obsession, it was the typical stuff. Well I don't know how typical. My clothes had to be hung color coordinated in my closet. I would rearrange my room constantly, those little things. Now I have an anxiety if the chaos I have in my house is no longer my chaos, but someone elses. "I know where that one shirt is and in what pile so don't mess with it," type of thing. Little annoyances are huge for me. I can't stand to see cricked pictures on the wall. It throws my mood off and I can't concentrate on anything until I straighten out the picture. There are plenty more, but it would take much thought and a longer time to write this.

So while a mild form, I have these compulsive fits for a reason and now I know. It's to balance some sort of what I believe is control for the uncontrolled, the sane for the insane. Maybe that only makes sense in my mind, but I get it.

My poor husband suffers because of the obsessive side of my OCD. People with obsessions are bothered by thoughts or images that continue to repeat themselves and are almost impossible to ignore. These thoughts, which are annoying, distracting, and inappropriate, tend to cause the person to have moderate to severe anxiety and other emotional discomfort. I have and for awhile now, had these horrible, unreasonable thoughts pop in and out of my head that I can't seem to shake off. All of my thoughts revolve around my husband. With out going into detail of what those thoughts are I will say they cause tons of anxiety and paranoia. I would love to rid them but can't seem to. Common obsessive thoughts include themes of violence, fear of germs and/or infection, and doubts about one’s character and/or behavior. People who suffer from OCD worry excessively and often attempt to avoid or to get rid of the bothersome thoughts by trying to replace them with more pleasant thoughts or actions. All is true of me with the exception of thoughts about violence, fear of germs, and/or infections.

So how can I rid myself of OCD?

How is OCD treated?Some of the most common methods of treatment for people with obsessive-compulsive disorder are behavior therapy, prescription medication, or a combination of both. Current medications used for the treatment of OCD include Anafranil (clomipramine), Luvox (fluvoxamine), Paxil (paroxetine), and Prozac (fluoxetine). These medications can help diminish obsessive thinking and the subsequent compulsive behaviors.

Crap!! Do I dare go back to my Depression Blog. I don't want medication and God for bid should I be seeking help for this. UGH!! Eating healthy and exercise seems way more appealing then medication and doc. visits. I guess to be continued......

Sickos on the Internet

Recently, I came home to find my niece setting my son up with a Facebook account. It wasn't a big deal, in fact I was okay with it, however, I drew the line at that. He was begging for a myspace account and was heavily disappointed when I said "NO WAY!" Facebook has so far been the one site that I feel safe about Jackson having.

I can totally understand, however, parents checking in on their kids or prohibiting them from having this or that account. Now granted, I put my information out there more because of my business, but over the last couple of years some interesting stuff has come my way to say the least.

I have had several people, guys, leaving me messages that seem perfectly innocent, just checking in asking questions about sittings and so forth, only later to get some seriously rude statements that follow. God for bid the kids leave any personal information like addresses, cell phones, and such on their profiles. I can't tell you how many text messages I have gotten from people I don't even know. It's almost scary. All they have to do is check my website and get my phone number and taduh, there is even more access.

As parents, we have to be incredibly cautious of the Internet age. I speak from experience. There are some pretty scary predators out there. I sound like a prude, I know, to any of my young readers, but I am a 33 year old mom, that gets it.

I am putting this out there as a warning to all parents. This is serious stuff. I have met and come across some sickos in just a matter of a few months. It scares me to imagine what our young girls come across weekly. So as our kids get interested in this account or that, please don't hesitate to monitor their Internet activity. They will hate you for it and want their privacy, but as someone with experience, I would rather them hate me for the time then regret it later.

Self Reflection

I actually got up and read some more of Gods word today. It always feels good to do that first thing in the morning. At first, I didn't feel like such a Heathen, but then I read in to Ephesians today and felt more of a Heathen then before. I realized I have work to do, but don't we all. That is the great thing. We are never quite there, we always will have challenges to overcome and plenty to learn.

Spending time reading the Bible this morning allows that time for self reflection. After I finished reading Ephesians I went on to read Philippians. Both books are quite short so to read them all in a short period of time is no big deal. One thing that I read that stood out among many today was Philippians 2: 3-4 which says, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interest, but also to the interests of others." This ties into what I was talking about in my previous blog about friendship. I use to be, what I thought, was too generous and too willing to help. I would put myself out there a lot for people. I rarely said "no". If I could help, I would. However, over the years, I got burnt by the people who would completely take advantage of my generosity. I felt used in many ways, trampled on. So I stopped being so nice and being so generous. I started only putting myself out there when it was easy and convenient for me. "sure I'll watch your kids, I'm home anyway, or let me give you a discount on your pics" the simple stuff, but I haven't actually gone out of my way for anyone in a long time.

So am I to go back to the way I was and if people use me then they use me and I trust in God that he will work on their hearts, or continue this unsatisfying selfish life of only helping when it is convenient for myself? Hmmm? GEEZ I swear I have shut myself in too much. Do we all do that? I have been living a very self pleasing, unsatisfying life for the last few years. How depressing.

Ever since I started blogging I have come to the realization that my protective walls go up very easily. While it takes a lot for me to get angry, I instead internalize. I hardened my heart to protect myself from being hurt. HMMM.... I am sure some psychologist could have a hay day with that. Don't get the wrong idea, I am not bitter in anyway and I am quick to forgive. I just have become more selfish. Are old habits hard to break? For my sake, I hope not.

God day 2

Today, I have spent most of it in prayer and reading theBible. I would share the many versus I have read in hopes to put out my own demons that I am facing today, but it is just too much to write. But I will say this, if I choose to dwell on the issues God can't help me. I can read all the versus I want that would offer me peace and guidance, but until I learn not to dwell I can't have any resolve.

So before I go any further with my day, which hasn't been a good one to say the least, I am going to turn it all over to God. Trust in him that it will all turn out okay and if it doesn't then he will give me the strength to get through it.

Isaiah 30:15 This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One os Israel, say: "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust in your strength, but you would have none of it.

Chuck Swindoll in reference to this verse: What's something you feel pressured about? Are you trusting God with it? How about talking to Him right now about the pressure you're feeling. Trust God with it today, tomorrow, and however long it takes for you to sense His - not your - control of it.

This is a big deal to me. One issue that I always have problems with is I fear what I can't control. Turning that over to God isn't easy for me, but sometimes worrying and fretting over issues just isn't worth it. So I am taking a deep breath and handing it over to the Lord.

My Spirit

I have decided that I have stepped away long enough from spending time with God everyday. It has been a forever since I have opened up the bible and read his word. It has been a long time since I actually spent time talking to God. It wasn't but a couple of years ago I was heavily into his word, wanting to live every bit of my life for him. Recently, my intentions have been there, but I distract myself with other things. Days go by then months and I find myself drawing farther away.

So I have decided that I am going to blog every day what I have read from the bible along with any thoughts that come along with that. I figured that it should be a sure fire way for me to stay into Gods word.

After blowing the dust away from my Bible, I opened it up and fumbled through the Index looking for something that would catch my interest. After a few seconds of not finding anything specific that I wanted to read about I decided to open up the Bible somewhere in Psalms. Psalms or Proverbs are always a good fall back. Sure enough something stood right out.

Psalms 143: 3 The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground;he makes me dwell in darkness like those long dead. 4. So my spirit grows faint in me; my heart within me is dismayed. 5. I remember the days of long ago; I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done. 6. I spread out my hands to you; my soul thirst for you like a parched land.

This is so what I was talking about. With out the the Lord my life is so Dark. When I draw close to him, when I make the effort to know him and listen to him the happier I am. Unfortunately, I have let my life get overwhelming. I don't allow time for God as much as I should. Then as time goes on, day after day and month after month, I am no longer living my life for God, but for myself. What is the result of that? Well first of all, God can't use me as effectively as he would like if I am not where I need to be spiritually. It wasn't all that long ago that I was working in the Alpha Ministry at church. It's a very awesome program. www.alphausa.org. I was in this ministry for years as a facilitator. There was countless times I'd see how God used me to relate and spread his love. It was exciting to get to know the people he placed at my table and how our lives would sometimes parallel each others. He wanted someone who could relate to them and he used me. It was awesome! There were other times he had his ways of touching my heart and helping me through situations and circumstance. I could tell countless stories of how his love had effected me directly. Secondly, the farther away I am from him sin creeps into my life. The Devil knows my weaknesses and how to prey on those weaknesses. He will work his way in gradually till I am consumed with it. Then he will throw guilt my way and what do we do when we sometimes feel like we let someone down? We tend to back away. At least I do and have. Thirdly, for me, when I am not seeking God depression sets in. I get this unsettled anxious feeling that I battle constantly. Insecurities surface and I tend to fret over the small stuff more. Nothing good comes from separating myself from God. Why it is so hard to pick up the Bible, pray and spend just a few minutes of my time with him? Why is it hard for any of us?

So to continue out some of Psalms: 143: 8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. 9.. Rescue me from my enemies, O Lord, for I hide myself in you. 10.. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your spirit lead me on level ground. 11.For your name sake, O Lord, preserve my life; in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble. 12. In your unfailing love, silence my enemies and destroy all my foes, for I am your servant.

To be used by God to serve Him! Is there anything, more fulfilling? Perhaps not, but there is something more basic: to meet with God! To linger in His presence, to shut out the noise of the city, and in quietness, give Him the praise He deserves. Before we immerse ourselves in His work, let's meet Him in His Word... in prayer... in worship. Chuck Swindoll - Living Insights Bible

Oh so trusting

Okay so today I am living in chaos. We are getting carpet put in which is extremely exciting, however, our house isn't very big and moving furniture around is like playing tetrus. So now furniture is crammed in places it wouldn't normally be. But to my point. I realized today just how extemely trusting I am of people. I realize that I always want to assume the best in people instead of the worse.

Today when the carpet guys arrived I go to answer the door and standing there are two thug looking guys. Literally they looked like the pictures above only a little more thugier. They didn't arrive with a Nebraska Furniture Mart truck, but a unmarked van and I say, "OH HI! Come on in!" Cause I am too trusting. I show them where the carpet was going and say, "Okay, I will be upstairs with the kids if you need anything." They, of course, ended up being who they said they were. However, I am hoping that they aren't drug users who are scoping out the place later to snatch whatever valuble things I have. I am thinking not. They actually are very nice young men who just happen to look like a couple of punks. So all is good, atleast I think it is.

OH Depression

This morning I woke up to a horrible crick in my neck. I got little sleep and I feel a bit on the grouchy side. You know, lately for me, or actually within this last year, I wake up never knowing how I am going to mentally feel that day. Call it depression, severe moods swings, whatever. Today is one of those days where I feel like life has thrown me on the ground and trampled me beneath it. Why? I don’t know, but its days like today where I fight unreasonable thoughts that go through my head, and a bit of paranoia. It doesn’t take much to make me cry, and I just want to sleep all day. P.M.S.? Nope, not yet. Depression probably, but I do sound CRAZY don’t I? Have I sought out help to get those lovely anti-depressants drugs to make it all better? Um No.

I have to say that lately, I have been feeling pretty good. I didn’t expect this mood swing, but it crept up on me. You would think that because I can reason this out in my head that I can then make it all better. But it is a battle I will fight all day. So why haven’t I sought professional help? Well, Brian, my husband, doesn’t believe in medication as a resolution to the problem. I tend to agree with him a bit. My resolve has been to eat healthy and exercise. It has worked so far, except yesterday and the day before I didn’t eat as healthy as I have been and so perhaps that is why I am dealing with this mood swing today. And well, the exercise? I haven’t made it there yet, but will soon, very soon.

So today, I am going to clean myself up, look the best that I can, get out of the house and breath in some fresh cold air. That is the only way I know how to make myself feel better and hope for a happier tomorrow. Maybe a trip to the Chiropractor would help some too.

Getting rid of JUNK

Getting rid of the JUNK

Well here I am blogging again. I am finding a certain amount of comfort in writing. However, if anyone reads my blogs you will quickly learn that I am not a good writer by any means and sometimes I get caught up in “have I made any mistakes, misuse of words, spelling, grammar,” that whole deal. UGH! I am just hoping that there are not too many out there that read my blogs that, like me, actually give a crap about that silly stuff

Well, last night I couldn’t sleep. It was one of those nights where my mind was racing. I was thinking about this past year and how I have allowed so much JUNK in my life. I know I am not the only one who is in this predicament so I don’t feel too bad for confessing.

What is my definition of JUNK? To sum it up, allowing people, things, feelings, anything from the outside in that keeps you from being truly happy. It’s anything that keeps a person from having complete peace in their life. It’s that big cloud that hovers over our heads. And Junk doesn’t just come in to a person’s life all of a sudden but rather it is a gradual thing. For the most part, it comes in unnoticed. Somehow over this past year I have allowed some of that JUNK into my life and now I am ready to clean up and toss it all out.

So this year is gonna be my year to rid myself of all that I have allowed in my life that has been unhealthy for me. And now I have you all curious as to what my JUNK is. Well I am not gonna confess that much, but I believe we all have it and each of us know what IT is. It’s just a matter of how tightly we want to hold on to it.

On a lighter note

On a lighter note I now know why there is so much money available for government grants. Because it is a big pain in the arse to get a stupid grant. Last week I started the process of applying for a grant specifically for women who own small businesses. However, once I got into it my instructions were that I first need to apply for a DUN number, whatever that is. So I go to apply for a "dun" number only to realize that before I can apply for a "Dun" number I have to register under Gov't grants. Then I go to register and come across more information I have to download and fill out. I wanted to throw my lap top across the room at this point. UGH!!!
Persistence pays off!! Sure it does, but Persistence can frustrate the hell out of me too. So at some point today I will reopen those files I had to put away to save my laptop and try and get this grant thing finished. Wish me luck! I should look into if they have a Dummies guide to applying for grants. Surely they do.