Self Reflection

I actually got up and read some more of Gods word today. It always feels good to do that first thing in the morning. At first, I didn't feel like such a Heathen, but then I read in to Ephesians today and felt more of a Heathen then before. I realized I have work to do, but don't we all. That is the great thing. We are never quite there, we always will have challenges to overcome and plenty to learn.

Spending time reading the Bible this morning allows that time for self reflection. After I finished reading Ephesians I went on to read Philippians. Both books are quite short so to read them all in a short period of time is no big deal. One thing that I read that stood out among many today was Philippians 2: 3-4 which says, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interest, but also to the interests of others." This ties into what I was talking about in my previous blog about friendship. I use to be, what I thought, was too generous and too willing to help. I would put myself out there a lot for people. I rarely said "no". If I could help, I would. However, over the years, I got burnt by the people who would completely take advantage of my generosity. I felt used in many ways, trampled on. So I stopped being so nice and being so generous. I started only putting myself out there when it was easy and convenient for me. "sure I'll watch your kids, I'm home anyway, or let me give you a discount on your pics" the simple stuff, but I haven't actually gone out of my way for anyone in a long time.

So am I to go back to the way I was and if people use me then they use me and I trust in God that he will work on their hearts, or continue this unsatisfying selfish life of only helping when it is convenient for myself? Hmmm? GEEZ I swear I have shut myself in too much. Do we all do that? I have been living a very self pleasing, unsatisfying life for the last few years. How depressing.

Ever since I started blogging I have come to the realization that my protective walls go up very easily. While it takes a lot for me to get angry, I instead internalize. I hardened my heart to protect myself from being hurt. HMMM.... I am sure some psychologist could have a hay day with that. Don't get the wrong idea, I am not bitter in anyway and I am quick to forgive. I just have become more selfish. Are old habits hard to break? For my sake, I hope not.